chipotle is closed for thanksgiving... I am officially thankful for NOTHING.
I spent all night sexting your girlfriend for you because you were too drunk. You're welcome.
he went up stairs with nothing on but calvin klein's and an eskimo hat, said hi to her dad, got a doughnut, and left like it was an everyday thing
Just signed my boyfriend up on a dating website so I could officially have a reason to leave him for my hot neighbor.
I think I just inadvertently started a sex competition with my roommate and her boyfriend.
I thought turtle was a code word for weed until he pulled out a baby turtle from his pocket and said "$20 for a turtle"
I know it's early but when you wake up can you please validate my life and tell me I'm not just a drunk idiot.
Jesus, I just want to drink. Also simultaneously punch things and rub my vagina on them.
i cant believe we used adam and eve as a sexting theme last night
If we don't have crazy animal sex tonight at least twice, I'll know he's cheating on me.
Who wouldn't want crazy animal sex with you?!
A cheater.
I'm gonna hop on that dick and ride it into the sunset
Son of a bitch took my liquid eyeliner
holy shit I just remembered that story I told about Tom hanks going bowling while high.
FYI telling a guy that you're glad his dick isn't big after giving him a bj, is NOT a compliment.
Everyone has seen your nipples. It's like asking if they ever walked on grass. You need better hangover questions.
Randomize
