I'll never ask another girl to get on top again, that girl from the bar last night got on top and shit diareah all over my ball sack while she was cumming.
Just passed a strip club with a Marquis sign that said 'tis the squeezin'
I just threw up in a patch of wild flowers on the side of the road. I never knew rock bottom was so beautiful.
Things you owe me: a sober apology, $12, the removal of bbq sauce from my doorknob
i was staring at her drunk thinking "shes at least a four"
Boob shaped ice luge is ordered for my bday. Boom
I can't even drink.
The liquor comes out the nipples. Out. The. Nipples.
And if you ever tell anyone that I have emotions ill kill you
We had a threesome and he gave us bottle rockets and a lamp for our apartment
Must've forgot to hang up with her when I was telling Josh I plan to pop champagne if I nail her tonight. She showed up with a bottle and said "only if we can toast it with Josh"
You should help rebuild my confidence with your dick. Altruism: Pass it on.
While we were having sex he asked me if I wanted to get wingstop after. I think I found my future husband.
Oh my god, are you sexting me while watching the Democratic debate.
100%
Now I'll never know if it was me that got you worked up, or Bernie Sanders' social policies.
Based on his face I'm positive he has a beautiful penis.
IS NO AN EMOTION BECAUSE THAT'S WHAT I'M FEELING RIGHT NOW
I'm really sorry I bit your mom last night, it was completely uncalled for.
Randomize
