She just sent me a txt where every word ended in "zzz", with about a hundred "!!!" and called herself "juicezzz". I need back up.
I skipped work to stalk him.
the truckdriver in the lane next to me just looked down and motorboated in my direction.
Ok Ghana you win again. Tell you what...Double or nothing over women's tennis, basketball, hockey, war, baseball, golf, swimming, diving, oil spills, box office proceeds, internet porn sites, criminals incarcerated, women's downhill, bass fishing, NASCAR, or GDP?
You called your ex's vag an "AIDS Pinata". Drunk You is the Hulk Hogan of insults.
The cop let me finish my J before he cuffed me. Coolest arresting officer ever.
He always tells me he misses my clit. I feel like I should make a drinking game out of it
I can't straight up say the only reason I smoked a couple bowls with you was for your three legged cat
For real, I've been ditched by my boyfriend twice today alone. I fucking shaved for this guy.
Somewhere out there, Gloria Steinem just started to cry.
while he was teaching, every time he said "wet" he would look at me, that's what you get for sleeping with the professor's assistant
I've never had sex with me but I assume there are worse ways to be woken up.
Do I go to spinning class and try to redeem myself from going drunk, or do I wait a week and hope they forget I fell of the bike?
I GOT THE PAPER IN AT 11:58
EAT MY ENTIRE ASS COM 101
I keep having dreams where I tie him up and eat cookies off of him while riding him. Wtf brain.
Tequilla is a sneaky bitch ninja that doesn't kick in until you least expect it. Then BAM! You're peeing in unconventional places.
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