WHO ATE OUR COOKIES WHAT THE FUCK THOSE WERE GOURMET
the majority of my texts from you are at 3 AM & consist of either "I'm drunk", "you're asian", or "bratwurst"
I've see this movie. You sext me after the bar and fall asleep mid sentence. Roll credits.
when i'm drunk i think im just gonna point at him and yell adultery is a sinnnn. youre going to helllll
what's the name of the guy at the bank you blew to get the lower interest rate?
um. wrong number, but good luck with your loan
Dude your not gonna get by security covered in blood wearing only a robe
Don't worry I'm drunk they won't say anything
I need to stop going to bars and yelling "I could be teaching your kids one day, bitches!"
(540): I ran 10 miles and then took a dump behind a rock. What the fuck have you done with a hangover that's comparable?
i just added a shot of fireball to my iced coffee. goodbye sobriety.
I don't want my liquor store dad to judge me...
I just realized I wasn't at the party anymore. I was just sitting there with a vacuum.
My drug dealer is giving me a 15% veterans discount on my weed for nov 11th
That's the best thing I've heard all week.
Got baptized for New Years. In champagne and cheap vodka.
Wanna go get tea? Warning: I will be high in an hour.
Who the fresh hell put 2 pillows a raincoat and a guitar on top of me to keep me warm last night
Randomize
