I drank too much. My snot smells like vodka when I blow my nose.
I'm so drunk that I ordered a root beer at the bar. Whoops?
I'm on the bus going to class. And a cop just rolled by and I got nervous because I didn't have my seatbelt on. I have to stop smoking so much weed.
Having skype sex with him in the lounge at 1:45am...THIS IS WHAT HE DOES TO ME
I've never seen a grown man cry so much after getting jerked off by a stripper. I say it's the best $600 he ever spent.
they had to take the Corona's out of the fish tank because they wouldn't fit with the mini replica of the roman coliseum in there. so we drank the Corona's. does beer have an expiry date?
How long is enough time to schedule homosexual exploration... Like an hour?
I got drunk and slept with the guy who looks like Jesus.
Typical.
He carried around a bottle of jäger the whole night and when everyone thought the cops came, he started doing push ups in the middle of the floor cause he said it calmed him down.
It's like you know you got fucjed up when you wake up and check fir your own pulse
I was on etsy and I'm like those boobs look way too familiar
I just want my kids to know I fucked some really hot dudes before their father.
You're going to scar your kids
Day one of being single and I've came three times. I can get used to this.
i can believe you didnt get any, i was wing-girling the shit out of him
all you did was repeatedly scream GET IT IN
Who’s got two thumbs and just got laid in the administration building?
Randomize
