took 5 apple pie shots. caution: flames. not digestable.
my boob sweat smells like rotting zombie flesh
is this your pickup line?
i was out of cigarettes so i took the butts out of the ashtray, emptied them out, and proceeded to roll one big Frankenstein cigarette.
I have 20 seconds to get my life together and look presentable.
Did the game of beer pong go wrong before or after the cops and fire department showed up?
just had Stella and stale goldfish for breakfast under the watchful eyes of an inflatable cactus and 5 llama pinatas. Cinco de mayo success!
I really hope you didn't eat the bowl of melted vanilla ice cream I left on the coffee table. Because it is not melted vanilla ice cream.
Other than trying to finger me on the couch in the middle of the bar a few times, you were fine.
When I am this hungover I become increasingly grateful for having my own private office
I fell asleep giving a handjob, had a sex dream about giving a handjob, and woke up giving a handjob. Life.
My boobs keep hanging out of this shirt. I think thats the style I'm going for tonight
We were sexting and i didn't know what to say, so i said i wanted to wrap him in tortillas and devour him like a burrito. then i went on by saying that i liked my burritos with a lot of cheese.
If ur gunna go fuck a guy that's in the baseball hall of fame do you need to shave your legs? I'm so lazy
woke up this morning to a baggy full of adderall and two redbulls..i'm gonna marry this guy one day
Now, I know I say this a lot, but you've obviously never seen my penis.
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