i felt like the dude nobody likes from the mikes hard lemonade commercial
My parents showed me my IQ test from fourth grade, I'm shitting on my potential.
I wake up every morning and wish that I didn't have to wear a bra
It's officially time to start saving up weed money for the NCAA tournament
It can't be good... The last recollection I have is singing lullabys to his penis
I should probably file for unemployment. Sometime between last night and 4 AM I facebooked my manager the lyrics to hoe by ludacris. I'm just projecting ahead here.
Def walking back to my apt with a blender, an empty vodka bottle, and a half eAtn drumstick cone.
I wonder what it's like for my roommate to live bicuriously thro my sex life
When you get here, kick me in the balls. It's really important. - I'll explain later.
My glasses were in the garbage this morning
I'm six Popsicles away from an existential breakdown.
Look, if a guy shows up at your house. He's short, name is Logan, has weird vertical hair, let him in, give him food, and a place to stay. He's on a ver important mission. And I am he. as he is me and we are all together. And we are the eggman, goo goo gajoob.
Just had someone from Hells Angels snort coke off my tits...so I'm pretty much done with life now. 💀
What's rude is him not accepting my blowjob offer. What kind of guy denies that.
He has the fingertips of a God
Randomize
