I said ACK before Andy Samberg made it even remotely funny. That tool is stealing all my lines.
Yeah, you've definitely been jizzing in your pants years before he made it socially acceptable
he just kept going up to random asian girls and yelling at them for breaking up the beatles
I would really like to get high with Bill Nye. I'm being dead serious. Every step I take is literally a step I take because it will take me closer to Science Guy high.
We could get him to build Inspector Gadget.
I didn't know you were high TOOOO!!!
it must be christmas time, i've got a hankering to give a virgin a baby....
Apparently suggesting that she was the kind of girl who might be expected to kill someone's pets hurt her feelings...
She was standing in the road flagging traffic in a tshirt and boxers. I didn't stop.
All she wanted was a cigarette
Why do I only have half my beard? My chin is so naked...
I'm pretty sure I swallowed a whole condom
Woke up with a text saying "when I get to see them titties again lil ma??" With 8 beads around my neck & an empty bottle of vodka in my arms.
i would never take his side over yours. you coulda gotten knocked up from another dude and i'd be right there next to you blaming it on him saying some shit like "his sperm were just too sub par for you" or "shoulda had a bigger penis"
He was gunna drive a half hour for a makeout sesh. Time to take the diapers off and learn about the wonders of the penis, dude
Swimming turned traumatic when grampas shorts slipped off..
Consider yourself lucky. If I ever run into my ex, all I'll be able to think is, "I let you pee on me and lead me around on a leash."
Me saying I wish i was a better person + me pretending I don't want to fuck on my period = me lying
I gave her two orgasms and then we laid there and she ate jelly beans out of my belly button...that girls a keeper
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