she looks like stephen colbert with that blond wig he was wearing last night.
i need to find a birthday card for her that tells her how happy i am that i can now legally bang her
I probably shouldn't have followed up that rainbow sherbet with beef jerky. This is a whole new level of fat, even for me.
Before I dignify that with an answer, let me get this straight. You're asking me if I wiped my ass on the towels?
Clearly I understand physics better when I'm on cocaine
I've started a list of places i want to drink. To go along with the list of places i want to have sex. Lincoln's log cabin is on both.
Anywho, an ostrich attacked me today. Fucking useless pieces of shit birds.
How bad would it be if I asked him for my "ho ho ho" thong back? They're my fav christmas pair!
You could woo kevin with a boquet of breakfast burritos. He loves those burritos. You could use the hot sauce packets like babies breathe
I made a joke about The Hemingway being a really boring sex position where you blandly describe all the action and then kill yourself after you orgasm. He stopped responding. I've GOT to stop talking to everyone like they're you.
I dropped her off at home and her fiancé was shitty, it was 4:30 am. I told him I was the Uber driver
I just got a text from a guy. The python is ours if we want.
The lady that was sitting beside me thought the best way to cheer herself up was to pet and ruffle my hair while crying and telling me her problems...
I still blew him because I won't let allergies keep me from doing what I want. But I almost suffocated like 10 times.
On cleanup... i've counted 94 solo cups so far.. oh, and i found a miniature top hat in the microwave
Randomize
