I didnt pay $190 for a fake with a new middle name of Vane..
She said if it slipped out one more time she was going to duct tape it in her vagina
have you ever been in a public bathroom and someone walked in, and you played "Fat or Crying" based on her breathing?
I hope you had to get up out of bed and walk across your room to check this text message
Haha. We better find him. He looked like he came out of Switzerland's vagina, he's that much of a blonde beauty.
I am telling you that nothing wakes you up like stomach acid exiting your nostrils at 10AM
my dad just told me he found me on the kitchen floor saturday morning with a microwave dinner on top of me, fork still in hand. priceless
Um please remind me to tell you what happened tonight. It involves wine, pain killers and firing a handgun in our apartment. Legit might be hiding from the cops this weekend.
There is nothing quite so awkward as watching topless bullriding with your mother next to you..
Is it inappropriate to send a happy 3-year anniversary of having a threesome with you and your ex girlfriend on easter text?
That is was cool to fuck the single mother accross the street until every girl i bring home gets the car keyed.
Also, I cannot stop picturing myself in a bar, 3 years from now ordering soda. Just soda. 30 pounds over weight and wearing a cat sweater. I feel like I'm heading in the wrong direction in life.
I'm like an air traffic controller of women. It's a very similar job. Well spaced and gentle landings are good. When they meet, it's bad. Explosions bad. Dying screaming burning children bad.
you were caressing the jar of pickles then you looked down and whispered to them "I want you inside me"
I see more hoeing in ur future
Randomize
