Just got to costco. Where are you?
Liquor aisle, bring another cart.
i just ran into our bio chem professor at the bar. apparently, he doesn't follow the "no slapping your students' asses" rule.
I keep finding coffee grounds in my vagina
i knew it was going to be a good night when i was bleeding, licked it and it tasted like miller light
I'm gagging in the liquor aisle just thinking about how much alcohol I'll be drinking this weekend.
I found out what happened to that girls weave last night. It was draped over a bush in my backyard.
I feel like the only phrases I can clearly speak while drunk consist of: i'm fucking drunk, chug, and shots
We built a fire and had sex in the kiddie pool. Then he washed my hair
Strong work
I am compiling a playlist that reminds me of all my best sexual encounters. It shall be called THE MUSIC OF MY VAGINA'S PEOPLE
I'm just mad because I can't play gta5 all day tomorrow cuz I'll be in court testifying against a craigslist prostitute...
Next time I try to break into the police station drunk, please stop me.
I can't wait to get to LA so I can punch her in the face
If I make it through this whole bridesmaid process without anyone knowing that I actually hate everyone but the bride, including the groom, I deserve a complimentary bottle of vodka.
After this weekend, all I can think about is bald eagles flying in front of fireworks and giving birth to fucking uncle sam. Also, beer.
Turns out tits aren't quite as effective an enticement when they know for a fact that they can't touch.
Randomize
