I just accidentally handed the ticket lady a condom instead of the intended ticket. I am now the official whore of Harry Potter.
it was so cute when you were pretending to have willpower
We all know the best way to start a relationship is greeting while at least one of you are intoxicated, dual facebook stalking, and a two week long game of 20 questions via texts to 'really' get to know each other. In that order.
I wouldn't have it any other way. It's like a fairy tale!
i havent had this much fun since the last time i farted and it created a boner.
Say something like you want him to fuck you behind a McDonald's. Guys secretly love weird shit like that.
Yea you just drank all the Hookah water, then started talking gibberish about the Kool Aid you just drank.
you got us kicked out of the restaurant for trying to pee in the trash can.
I walked from the hotel to the club with a pint of tequila in my boot. Poured some in a homeless woman's mouth when she asked for change. I've hit rock bottom.
I'll do a soapy photo shoot for you in the shower. No loofas, though. Once you get one of those caught in your nipple ring, you never go back.
I got carried out by security last night. AND the taxi had to drive up onto the sidewalk to get me i was that drunk.
The acoustics in my bra are fantastic.
found a better reason to procrastinate than the usual sunday-don't-give-no-fucks. literally every one of my textbooks is soaked in captain. can't turn a page without gagging.
Some male strippers are here, I threw pancakes at them. It's ok
we got stoned then he started showing me how to make his penis look like a hamburger...if that's not true love idk what love is
I'm currently on an epic search all over the city for a drug store that isn't sold out of Plan B. I celebrated your birthday from afar.
Randomize
