I think a homeless person took a bath in my mouth while I was sleeping :(
weed, chlorine, and victory. my bed smells like i had sex with michael phelps.
I can't find my underwear or one of my shoes but he baked me cookies for breakfast.
I may or may not go. send a pic of a nipple so I know how much fun you're having
Clearly my hormones are sending beaming lights to every penis in the area
You put your finger on my lips and told me 'the butt is nature's pocket'.
I don't remember that at all, but I stand by what I said
I'm 50% sure my cousin put weed in these deviled eggs.
Wanna show up on a guy's doorstep and punch him in the balls for me? At least this one isn't a cop.
Good morning! So would you prefer me to show up kind of late or on time but looking like I got chewed up and spat out by an episode of Buffy the Vampire Slayer?
My doctor actually said I was suffering from an "acute hangover" in doctor's note I asked him for....what a douche
I think John will remember that birthday for a while. I'm still dying at the fact a stripper was hunting me down.
He told me he was gonna go wash a trailer and somehow I ended up eating vodka fruit with children in a green bean field.
Hiking for a first date sounded like a good idea in theory because there was absolutely no possibility of me blacking out. In practice, I'd rather black out than go through what I just went through.
I have finally found someone I enjoy for reasons that do not necessarily include his dick
Listen, I just paid for a hotel room, so I didn't have to have sex in his car. I'm adulting successfully.
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