my mario cart skills improve with alchohol. and i think my real car skills do to but the cop didnt see my logic
i just found out that washing ur bong in the dishwasher works. its been a productive day
So he just rolled over in his sleep and said "that's a punctuation mark..."
its 9am and we're in an escalade. I have no shoes and my dress is on backwards. I feel like we're the morning after a rap video
Been at work for four hours and just discovered the chairs in my office double as a napping surface. Most productive thing I've done all day
Thanks for putting the blue stuff in the toilet, it made me throwing up this morning more enjoyable.
relax...and go to your happy place, which probably has a lot of dicks
Attempting to teach the cat how to shake. I need a job.
THIS IS THE EMERGENCY BOOZE SYSTEM. I AM EN ROUTE TO DEWITT WITH A FIFTH OF TEQUILA. THIS IS NOT A TEST
You know he really cares when he gives you one of those on-the-go toothbrushes for your walk of shame before running to work
I think this is the rare instance where the babysitter should get sex as payment from the person being babysat plus you'll get birthday sex. It's a win-win.
i may or may not be making depth charges with cough syrup. i'll call you if i survive.
just shotgunning some tallboys in the cooler, you?
HOW DO YOU GET RAISES EVERY TWO WEEKS?!
He called me saying he got nice rims for his car so now we can fuck in style
My cat just smacked my blunt from my hand and then put her head in my hand. I don't know how to feel
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