Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
when a 14 year old is judging you, you know you've had too much to drink
I fucked her on my hockey bag. it doesnt get any more Canadian than that.
I would invite you but we are high and there is an AK-47. Not your scene.
My brother just woke up to see me on te couch dipping hamburger buns into pizza sauce. I'm beginning to question the life choices that led to this moment.
Send me the picture of my mugshot, my boss got arrested last night and I'm trying to make her feel better.
What was she thinking? I'm not in the business of charity fucks anymore.
The highlight of the night was when he yelled "WAS THIS CONDOM MADE FOR TODDLERS??"
The cop asked you after the breathalyzer what you think you blew and you very discreetly shouted "I'm pretty sure i blew Kyle on the way here "
I mean, I already put pants on today. We're already halfway there
Headphones came off my phone same time as The Weeknd sang "Who's gonna fuck you like me?"...Everyone at work heard it.
I couldn't find a water bottle, so I sent her to school with her juice in a flask. Who the hell let me become a parent?
No we were too stoned to stop you from wiping the peanut butter all over the car.
You know what would have been funny if we got arrested last night? The inventory search of the lock box:\n\nContents:\n1 work ID\n1 33 round Glock magazine\n1 set of keys\n1 vibrator\n2 bags fruit snacks\n1 parking hang tag
I just had to ask my drug dealer to "keep it simple for me". Is this a new low?
We've done worse things
Randomize
