I must be too annoying 4 u.
Drunk wheelbarrow races might make the top 10 list of dumb shit weve done. Especially considering all the broken glass around...
I guess I tried to show you how big my closet was and we ended up eating pickles in my bathroom
Tell me you didn't have sex with my dad.
Nothing like buying a handle and a 36 pack with a baby strapped on.
Was it a good night or a bad night when you have to apologize to someone the next day for trying to fuck them with a turtle?
Went to an open-bar law school party and puked in front of Justice Scalia. My legal career is now complete -- I literally got judged by a U.S. Supreme Court Justice. Can't get any higher than that.
You were holding up a boot and yelling boot gang
Just as I was applauding myself for the best wing man award, I realized we are going to have to burn our futon.
Winning the lottery was the best thing that ever happened to my penis.
Greatest pickup line ever: "We are out celebrating winning the lottery."
I have to finish a biography for history and write a review on it so naturally I was like "getting high will make this more bearable" and now I'm basically inside the book at the revolutionary war with this guy.
I may or have may not just taken a swig out of a jar of alfedo sauce in my fridge. Dont judge me
Now we're discussing the sex we had and the later lack thereof. It's like marriage counseling via snapchat.
Of course i made out w him. He was painted green. You know of my secret longing for the Hulk.
You're too drunk for my bullshit, and i'm too sober to put up with yours. I have no idea how you expect to find middle ground here.
Randomize
