in the event that i am dead, my body is laying in the intersection of ... the pearl in springfield. it was my friend's 21st but i think i'm dead. wearing a black top. like i said, probably dead.
My cat gives me a boner
I'm driving in the middle of nowhere, and I just saw a stuffed Barney hanging from a noose on a tree. Maybe I should turn around.
For Halloween this year I'm gonna go as Angelina from Jersey Shore. I'm gonna yell "umm HELLO?!," cockblock someone, then leave the party early
hey you knew what you were in for when i showed up with 2 fifths of Jim. plus i left money to pay for a new sink
She gives pretty bad head, but when it's in her dad's Lexus SUV it's tough to complain.
he came in the shower with me...i thought it was going to be nice and romantic...until he started peeing on my leg.
It started with jello shots. It ended with tears.
I went in to wake you up this morning and you had a condom draped across your throat like a necklace. There were no boys in the house last night, what were you doing?
I, soberly, gave myself a concussion trying to take a pic of my vagina. Fuck you and your hangover.
So I've been spending my morning trying to figure out if there's a corealation between Wednesday margarita night and the boat that's now in my living room.
is there a line between daddy kink and oedipus complex?
Who would you rather hang with tonight, drunk me or high me?
I have a few Facebook friends I only keep around for quality control purposes on Tinder
You tried to run away last night. The neighbors brought you back.you were in their hot tub again. This needs to stop
Randomize
