I think I'm pregnant with his hipster baby. It keeps kicking my stomach to the beat of mgmt songs.
I'll hook up with guys I don't even like, as long as they leave early enough the next day.
Must be January. Theres a fat chick on an elliptical wearing khaki capris. Someone doesnt own any workout clothes
I wish you could be here to assess my herpes before he gets here.
He needs a high five right to the fucking mouth. With a chair. Or an atomic bomb.
U can find me on my couch hungover eatin tuna evaluating my life
Yeah. I was about to call 911 but I ended up breaking the door frame off then ran and puked all the way home.
I IMAGINED YOU YELLING SURPRISE WITH JAZZ HANDS. AND I LOVE YOU FOREVER
"It's not a date, we're just spending the entire day at a concert and then getting high together." Awesome.
You have found the Promised Land of friend zones
Idk man, most things I eat are even better than I expected. Like when I drunkenly put mac and cheese on a slice of cheese pizza or when I soberly put mac and cheese into a Taco Bell burrito.
Should I have spent my entire pay check on Crown Royal and LSD? No. Do I regret it? Also, no.
I was gonna turn him down, but he correctly identified a song from Pocahontas.
She rode me wearing nothing but a Santa hat. Merriest fucking Christmas!
I got very very very high last night and bought a cotton candy machine on eBay
I finally selected an outfit that says "I'm not easy" but still shows off the tittays.
Randomize
