I just threw up on my dentist
Kirsten Dunst is sitting next to me in a bar in NYC
Tell her I want my money back for Elizabethtown.
this morning i woke up with my panties on and i knew where i was. success.
I'm getting drunk watching the disney channel. Is this a main reason why we aren't together anymore?
it is 7:54 and i am surrounded by drunk old people. drunk enough that my grandmother and her friend just compared boobs. as in, shirts off, bras coming down. save me.
Clearly my hormones are sending beaming lights to every penis in the area
Just sharpening my eyeliner with a butterfly knife. You know. Typical weekday morning.
It's times where you wake up in the hospital after trying to road surf that you wonder what you're doing in life.
There is not enough soap in the world to make me feel clean after last night. Im gonna need jesus for this one
Dont even get me started. you fell asleep in my kitchen after being cockblocked when you tried to use my roommates bedroom.
I put his pb&j sandwich in my bra and never looked back
Who looks around on a bright, sunny day and says, "you know what? Today I'm going to write gay dinosaur erotica"
Dude, fate has brought her to your penis.
Putting a bow on your dick doesn't make it a real present
So what's it like to be pregnant?
It feels like I'm hungover and when I was drunk I was kicked off a mechanical bull and then trampled.
Randomize
