I'm dying. Please wear something slutty to my funeral.
So I used to make fun of texas a lot, then I got here and I found a place where I could get my tequila in a to go cup with a straw and I realized that this is the only place I ever want to be
So, I picked up my 7 ft tall lamp post and used it to close my door. I feel quite accomplished.
I knew I fucked up when I woke up with the meat scissors in my hand.
Professor just informed us that she can't come to class today because her daughter broke her glasses and she can not see where she is going. Am I still drunk from this weekend?
Well, we could've been at the bar taking a shot everytime my rash spread. But Noooooo. You had to go out with your non- girlfriend. Lame.
Dude, I'm pretty sure I slept with my TA's girlfriend
You were cuddling with an eight iron and I was eating a fajita completely ignoring your presence.
He's got the most well kempt beard I've ever seen and I need it between my thighs is basically what I'm saying
I HAD TO PAY A COVER FOR THE FIRST TIME LAST NIGHT. My tits didn't get me in and I was so pissed.
There is a couple fucking in the outback bathroom and at first I thought it was sick but than I remembered my Outback fantasy with you and decided I can't pass judgements.
I think the pizza guy was in shock..
Well I didn't mean to answer the door only in socks but I mean come on, 4 hours of sex works up an appetite! I WAS RAVENOUS
And then you screamed, "I JUST WANNA POUR MAPLE SYRUP ALL OVER HIM AND RAVISH HIS BODY!!"
I walked in on my sister eating my leftover burrito naked. How could my night have gotten any worse?
Well, why would you bring gelado into a strip club?
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