Watching this movie and saying "drink every time you see an animal" was a bad idea...circle of life...holy crap
are you excited because you wanna see me or because you wanna get laid?
bc i get to see you. naked.
he just ordered a side of pineapple and winked at me. too much for a first date. come get me.
Hes sobering up now. He was just really bad for like 45 minutes. He cried while he was telling me how he pictured us eating hotdogs on the beach together..
I'd like to say he was whispering sweet nothings into my ear all night but really he was just whispering "pussyyy"
I loved your drunken rendition of "I wanna dance with somebody" that you left on my voicemail last night.
I just really need to get the matching flask to go with my pill box. Is this another step towards rock bottom?
The cab driver was nice enough to let you finish your beer in the car, but you crossed the line when you started to pee in the empty bottle
My whole sorority girl exterior is just a lie. I'm a fat tumblr girl on the inside.
Just saw a man downtown with a cat just riding on his shoulder like a furry parrot. He may be homeless, but I think he's your soul mate.
Ugh. Lets go crawl into a dairy-gluten-chlamydia free hole somewheres.
You just get me....like our souls are boning in the spirit world
Observations from Vegas: #1. Strippers pasties pose a choking hazard. #2. Best. Heimlich. Ever.
your marriage is hazardous to my nightlife
yea, mine too.
Just stole my moms weed, left a note saying sorry.. Hope she isn't mad.
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