Just so you know, you're MY booty call. Feel degraded.
I apologize for excluding you. On a better note: the stripper that made out with my wife friend requested me on facebook
I knew it was a good Wednesday night when I woke up tucked in to NOT my own bed with my beer helmet, an empty bottle of Jose, and a trash can placed in front of my face.. Happy 20th!
Wtf man. I knew she was bad news. No sane person cares if you eat their raviolli.
I'm ordering a French maid costume for my dog too. It's like a couples costume, except for losers with dogs.
You went full blown lifeguard... You wouldn't let me sleep until I was in the safety position, so I wouldn't die in my sleep...
I just had the weirdest moment. Made eye contact at the bar with a girl who has seen my vagina.
I'm drunk, laying in bed, eating macaroni salad. I dropped a piece and tried to pick it up with a fork. My cleavage is bleeding and I haven't been laid yet. Heeeyyyy!!!
Don't you hate falling asleep on the couch with a glass of wine in your hand? It's like dreaming about peeing and then realizing you've peed the bed only stickier.
Typical Sunday morning text...are you alive?
Last thing I remember at your house last night is your dad leaning on the beer pong table and saying "you guys can fucking party"
Who in their right mind would frost a cake with their butt?
Is there any chance of you maybe wanting a bouncy house at your wedding. Like maybe a .0001 chance. If so I would totally chip in for that.
If history is any guide, his morals are no match for my tits
Looks like the opera singer hook up is paying off. Ran into the MILF from 407 and she said “your lady friend sounded like a very lucky girl.”
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