conclusion of the day: americans need to get on tredmills, people need to learn how to flush toliets and learn how to pee in then instead of on them, and waiters shouldnt tell their life stories to customers.
Definitely just blazed with the housekeeper. That woman needs a raise
Became best friends with the hotdog stand creeper outside the bar. Cried and told him my feet hurt too much to walk home then begged him to hire me.
It's like if a cloud had tits and you laid on them.
Putting a positive pregnancy test next to my condoms in my drawer so I remember why I always need to use condoms
We can't BOTH have terrible sex lives. Get fucked or throw him out.
WTF DUDE?
Stay calm. I'm sure there's a heterosexual explanation for this
I told him if he ever gets a "wink" text from me after 10:00pm to assume I really mean "we should be hooking up by 2:30am"
I've been smoking weed using candles all week and I just found a lighter. This may truly be the happiest moment of my life. It's embarrassing how excited I got
I mean, I Just Had Sex in 4 on her top 25 most played list. That's got to give you some indication
He was late, on account of he accidentally went to the Al-Anon meeting across the hall, and it took him 30 minutes to realize he was in the wrong room.
I usually do that but weve been going unprotected with tribal fertility symbols painted above my door
You were sober bartending last night right?
Sorta. I remember you crying, ripping rose petals off the flower stem and slowly sprinkling them behind the bar at me and singing softly
Romantic
I think/hope James is drunk. He's standing in the front lawn loudly declaring "I AM a popsicle!" Over and over....
I know I may be showing my age by saying this but this is the first time I have been eaten out in the parking lot behind the Clairmont Inn since 1990
Randomize
