there was enough confetti in my bra to throw another NYE party
Just whacked off in the middle of writing a paper, gave me great ideas. Note, should do this more often.
Fucking Canada. At least when they wake up tomorrow they're still in Canada
One of my students just told me turtles are lazy and need to get a job. Fuck yes, my job here is done.
Well, I didn't bring a notebook or any paper to class. Should I take notes on the sugar packet, lace thong, or condom wrapper that instead are in my school bag?
this is your 3rd pregnancy scare in 2 years, I think its time for you to re-evaluate the whole 'im a lesbian' thing
IM A DRUNK BIRTHDAY CLEOPATRA MESS. CELEBRATE THAT BITCH
You're in the clear; you and Andrew did not joint fingerbang that girl on the dance floor last night.
You. Dating a sex offender cop. Life writes itself sometimes.
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
Your loyalty to the Redskins reminds me how no matter how much I disappoint you, you will still always be rooting for me.
Omg my butt feels so much better. Those suppositories are magic. It feels like Jesus fingered me in my sleep.
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
The Domino's delivery guy is in front of me at The Wendy's drive-through. Hmmm.....
I definitely almost just pulled a condom out of my purse instead of money for my dad.
Randomize