Blow job in a bar bathroom for my Thing 1 while in a onezie dressed up as Thing 2. Best Halloween ever.
I bet the Cat in the Hat never caused mischief like that.
he bonged a 1/5 of jack and came back an hour later blacked out with a legitimate chicago firemans helmet
Just when you think you're never going to have sex again, BOOM you're naked in bed with a guatemalan
He was eating mac and cheese. Raw. Like as in he was eating the uncooked noodles then pouring the dry cheese in his mouth.
Spent 200 bucks on a stripper for a good night hug. I give up.
will you please stage a drunk girl intervention and tell him that his chain is severely harming his chances of getting laid tonight?
Lesson of the night- sweaty dick can get stuck to ice, and require medical attention.
Some guy wearing a horse mask just knocked on my door and started whinnying. I opened the door and he was like, "...oh sorry, wrong room..." so awk.
I was giving this guy head and he stopped me to look me in the eyes and say "you have a gift"
My boss just high fived me after finding out i made it through lunch rush rolling on molly. To think this guy used to terify me.
I just want someone to shove bread from panera down my throat
Well I was going to go home but vodka happened.
Fucked him in a graveyard. Need plan b.
HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT
So I just ran in to the Couger you saw me take home last month who i haven't talked to since then at Wawa and she was PISSED.. APPARENTLY i fucked her niece last week
When you wake up and wonder why your bleeding and it feels like you jumped into a ceiling fan, dont worry. Ill explain it all when I wake up.
Randomize
