Last night was a blur. All I remember is jizzing in the squeegee bucket at a gas station.
The look on the soccer mom's face was PRICELESS.
Are you seriously picking mariokart over a blowjob? nott to sound like a bitch but seriously?
at first I thought it was funny, but looking at it now, it screams "dramatic" and "medicated wipes."
forced to watch US open for father's day. only perk is discovering dustin johnson...reeeeally hoping that this golf sex addiction thing is contagious
when i'm drunk i think im just gonna point at him and yell adultery is a sinnnn. youre going to helllll
Should I mail that cop his nightstick or just throw it away?
The druken crowd just broke into singing "God Bless America" while waiting the newlyweds to get in the limo. My friend is eating rose petals.
dont call me baby and dont touch my ears. ITS ALL I ASK
Let's just do a victory lap through all of our exes.
Way to ruin everything
I am drinking jager with a cat, your argument is invalid
The worst decision I made last night was allowing myself to be duct taped to the ceiling
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
Star Trek does not adequately answer all the questions that I have about alien genitals
YAS. BRING CRAB.
Put down the Captain Crunch and get over here. It’s a dickfest!!
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