my new years resolutions dont apply when im drunk
The cab driver told me he hopes I look up to him as a father figure. Then he asked if I wanted him to take me to the hospital
.....woke up with a tube of cinnamon buns in my pocket, i miss you
Listen to me plotting my whoredom.
There was a reason God said "Let there be titties" on the Fifth Day.
Hate you missed the after party, I was covered in dish soap gliding bare assed down a slip n slide at 6:30 this morning
I went to the bathroom, came back, and my friend was sleeping leaning up against the stripper pole.
I raided the fridge drunk the same time dad was eating breakfast
Will give head in exchange for a Netflix password. Serious inquiries only please.
I just threw up all of my lunch in the Barnes & Nobles parking lot. Rockbottom tastes like a veggie burger, in case you were wondering.
I went out to have a smoke, and next thing I know, he's got me bent over a picnic table praying to deities I don't believe in. You should have been there.
Fun fact: the guy I banged last night. His middle name on his birth certificate is "Windstorm."
Trump won PA by a fucking landslide. If only Cruz hadn't eaten that booger.
Listening to The Little Mermaid soundtrack should cure my drunkeness right?
I didn’t say it was classy, I said it was sexy
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