I just had one of those nervous system things in my thumb...I'm pretty sure I have cancer.
Locked out of the apartment with just a box of wine way to begin the weekend.
I REALLY appreciate you guys taking care of me when im wasted but i think its weird when i wake up in different clothes than black out in
How can people commit suicide when things like bagels exist
she wanted to watch hairspray while we fucked. she's obviously your kinda girl, dude.
He was carrying a rolled up carpet saying he was saving it for tomorrow's Walk of Fame.
She gave me a handjob at the dinner table while her dad was carving the turkey. I made eye contact with him. Im pretty sure he knew.
seis de mayo is my least favoite holiday because i usually spend it in bed sobbing over my poor life decisions from the night before.
You installed a beer holder in the shower?! You're the best roommate ever!
... That's a shower caddy.
I believe this is a toe-mate-toe vs. toe-maut-toe situation.
The lady at Walgreens was all excited my pregnancy tests had a coupon.
Not even joking, someone broke into the house to watch porn. The cops are on the way.
You insisted that your middle name was "velociraptor" for 20 minutes and every time someone said something you tried to relate it to velociraptors. That kind of drunk.
Never ever make a tattoo bet. I now have a shamrock on my dick.
As we were walking to her place she stole a pizza from the delivery guy's car and when we got home she grabbed a slice, two beers, removed her pants, and said "call of duty?" im going to marry her
woke up with 8 used magnum condoms bound together by floss around my neck, thats about all im gonna tell you.
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