my penis says it needs to be in something. my phonebook says its you
he told me not be awkward when his girlfriend comes tomorrow. and then he made out with me
so i havent checked yet but im almost positive that my left ass cheek is bruised. any idea what happened last night.
what the fuck man? i was JUST texting you the same thing. FUCK
Is it sad that I just used my electrical knowledge to not only fix but improve my vibrator?
Walking back from greek row alone at 3:30am in a child's kangaroo suit...not my proudest moment
Literally everyone in the bar was absolutely hammered out of their minds. I swear I even saw the bartender swigging jd when he thought no one was looking. And there was me thinking Britain was the booziest nation in the world.
Welcome to America. You're gonna love it.
Just to be clear, the only reason you're allowed to scream "COCKTAIL SERVANT" at bartenders is because you have nice tits
I'm drinking with a guy who is a bigger asshole than me. We started a contest.
Your text makes more sense read in reverse.
How long can I keep it classy to hook up in my old office building? Two more years? Does it get weird after 30?
I spent half an hours grinding with a drunk Harry Potter cosplayer at the con rave. Pretty sure I felt his wand.
You jumped into so many bushes for no reason
Sorry for all the snapchats, I wanted you to feel like u were in America getting plastered with me
I should not be this drunk in a place where a girl is wearing a princess dress
I WOULD NEVER LIE ABOUT SOMETHING AS SERIOUS AS SABADO GIGANTE BEING CANCELED
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