Old men and throwing up are my life now.
How much cunt could a cunt bag punch if a cunt bag could punch cunt?
i was gonna tell him a really embarassing story about you, but then i remembered im in all of them
We couldn't even have sex we were both laughing so hard. I don't know how I feel about the quality of that weed.
Don't take this the wrong way but I just mistook a trash can for you
you were mass sexting so we took your phone away
I baptized my dog in my pool last night because he snapped at my party guests, how was your night?
After 13 tally marks I wrote the number 4,000 and made u sign my arm to prove it.
All I really remember is thinking that the music looked like beautiful lizard waves in my head
i woke up with 5 inch heels locked on my feet and my car keys missing. this is gonna be an interesting walk home
Just want to let you know thanks for setting the bar pretty low when it comes to girls.
What eyeshadow color says "yes I am at the dentist, and yes I am hungover please don't judge my life choices"
So apparently dinosaur erotica does, in fact, exist.
I was not drunk. There was Star Wars, sex, and baby oil.
why is there a dog in my house with your initials shaved in it's fur?
dude, i just woke up in a house i've never seen. i have bigger problems
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