if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
Flirting with the rich sleazy owner of the club: 1 way ticket to free sushi, drinks, and VIP passes. FUck! im better with older men than i am with babies and dogs
how am i supposed to spank it to a shakira video when she looks like she is doing the robot?
I havnt had this much beer since i losodt my virginity. thank. god.
I'm picking out a half way decent top so if I get arrested I'll have a respectable mug shot photo. Always be prepared.
New low, passed out while taking a shit for an hour with my parents home, suprised they didnt notice
Crazy how fast a room full of drunk teenagers sober up when someone breaks his parents' new flat screen
am i new drunk or am i still drunk
Tell them to carpool to pride, have a 3way, and if one says 'no thanks' just tell em it's not gay if it happened in a 3way!
Look outside and see if the septic tank explodes when I flush this.
.It's like gods test of willpower against vaginal comfort
I am at a point in my life where I don't want to brush my teeth for my tinder date because toothpaste and martinis don't mix.
Hey, I found that piece of pizza you lost in my bed last night. Never again...
Explain to me how we're not being documented on? A gynecologist I saw two times 8 years ago popped up on my people you may know list on fb. What in the actual fuck?
So here I am, sexting at work.
Randomize
