Thought you might like this. Had a dance off with an andy bernard look alike and pissed my bed. All in one night.
I'm sorry that spending new years with you was fucking my boyfriend in your bathroom multiple times
Okay well someone asked "IS HE HOMELESS?" about me so I need to try and find somebody.
I need a therapist, but moreover we are going to be really drunk.
This is the point in ur life where u should realize there's nothing left but a spiral of shame
I should but I don't. All I see is an escalator of success
There is a drunk marine passed out on my porch. Mandy wouldn't sleep with him, Can you please come remove him?
He was dressed as a cowboy and he was dancing with my ex roommate. So I took his gun and pistol whipped him with it..then somehow we still slept together..
They wont sell alcohol here on election day! HOW THE FUCK DO THEY EXPECT ME TO ENJOY THE ELECTION SOBER?
That tingly feeling you're experiencing in your lady parts is my mustache. All the ladies of America are waking up feeling the same thing. You're welcome.
I just realized now that you're pregnant we can't use alcohol as currency
You sent me a snapchat of you hugging a beer with the caption "best friend"
i just told him to get ready, because I'm going to be taking out my anger over the Super Bowl out on his penis.
Shhhh less advice, more soothing words and dirty phrases
We had sex six times. In a span of 8 hours. Confirmation I don't need to go to the gym.
I met my future wife last night. She's a bombshell from Delaware, hates Trump, and humiliated two old men in a GOP healthcare debate while simultaneously convincing them to pick up both of our bar tabs.
Randomize
