2:45a: Any chance you got 3000 bucks on you?
Is showing up wearing the condom a bit presumptus
So he ended up having sex with me, but it was so awkward. When it was over, he went to the bathroom, and he came back and asked, "are you on your period or something? there's blood on my dick..." and i said, "well it was supposed to start today, nice surprise...i am so embarrassed." and he said ,"it's better than you queefing." and as soon as he said that, i queef the hardest and loudest i ever had.
couldnt find a condom. used a surgical glove instead. actually worked and the sex was great. thanks nursing school
Need a travel agent to tell me which countries in Asia have legalized prostitution for New Year. Fireworks would be cool too.
running the faucet water is not hiding the sound of you vomiting. fyi.
Somehow I magically turned down a threesome last night. On my birthday. You're a horrible wingman.
Looks like a significant portion of my drinking money just became legal fees.
I AM SENDING THIS TEXT MESSAGE SO I DON'T LOOK AT HIM. THANK YOU FOR RECEIVING IT.
I really hope your new roommate never finds out we had a threesome with a bisexual British guy in his room the night before he moved in.
Well he fell three stories from the balcony and still had the strength to fuck me for 2 hours.
Do not tell guys at bars about kittens you rescue. They will walk away.
I don't know. I wanna do you but I also want a cheeseburger.
I mean, it's a romantic picture of pubes if I've ever seen one
I woke up thinking it was Friday. I was disappointed (to say the least). I am pretty sure I have gained the quarantine fifteen (but I won’t know until I try to put something other than elastic-waisted shorts on). And I am probably going to need dentures because I am grinding my teeth so much. But hey--this is temporary, right?
Randomize
