she was so hammered she started drinking dishwasher detergent
I dont know whats funnier - that, or that we learned that poison control is closed at 2 AM
did you violate me with a mr sketch marker when i passed out? i just peed and wiped purple and it smelled like grape. i need to get to the bottom of this...
Ever got a vibrator stuck in ur hair? Is worse that getting ur hairbrush stuck.
...well that sucks.
I only had sex with her cause she looked like jwoww from jersey shore
All I can tell you is you will need a rain slicker for tonight's festivities. Any clothes underneath would be highly frowned upon as well.
we may have ended up at a gay bar on accident. we're gonna work this to get free drinks.
I had sex with her because I didn't want to hurt her feelings.. You're the one who told me I should be more sensitive.
Had to make a piece of abstract art. Your dick is in it
i'm gonna start fucking more girls with asthma. help feed my ego.
Def regretting not writing "will blow for extra credit" on my last final
just cheers'ed a flock of cattle as i drove past eating a burger i bought 7 hours ago. that high.
well hes been the bathroom for like 15 mins so he either feels comfortable enough to puke/ shit in my apartment or he escaped out the window
He sent me a snap chat of his naked torso with cookies over his nipples. Like.... that does not make me want you homeboy.
So uh... Did you mail me business cards that describe my profession as "tortured soul"?
And now Google thinks I have a hard hat fetish...maybe I do...
Randomize
