you may be an alcoholic when your drug dealer calls to yell at you for drinking too
All I remember from last night is puking up a box of cheeze-its and the building catching on fire.
I just figured out, there are 9 children in this world that I can look at in the face and say "I fucked your mom."
Did you get the "i have a yeast infection from that wet frat bathroom floor" text?
And im sorry for wishing your girlfriend gets genital warts.
I'm in the city buying alcohol. I just got warned by a homeless man on the street that I shouldn't look so pretty "in these parts"
so my mom thinks I'm picking you up just to go buy you liquor before you go back to school tomorrow...
I'm ashamed that your mom thinks I haven't already taken care of that.
Bring a bathing suit and your good liver.
My good liver is still at the dry cleaners. Will my backup liver suffice?
Maybe
he went down on me to a drake song and now i think i need a penicillin shot
And then she said "welcome homeeeee!!!" As she got off. Best thing about being back from Afghanistan
I mean I'm sad it didn't work out but tbh he he can't unlick my booty hole or unbreak his headboard... He won't forget my name ever
I've been continuously high for the last 48 hours, and just broke my 4th vibrator. Coincidence? FIND ME A MAN I BEG OF YOU.
I've peed in two sinks in the past two weeks. No one should be able to say that.
I had a date last night. His dog threw up in his bed while we were having sex in it.
I don’t care if there’s a pandemic. My husband gave me a hall pass for my 40th birthday and I’m going to use it!
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