Living well is not the best revenge. Fucking his brother is.
then she stuck her tongue in my ass
I thought we were talking about reason you aren't going to marry her?
Dude. The girls called me over to see what they had in their dorm. They snuck in a pigeon in a cardboard box. They named it Quincey. They swear they're sober.
We stuck the straw in the bourbon as a joke, you saw it as a challenge.
All i really wanna do tonight is get drunk with you and dance on tables. is that too much to ask?
That does it. We're drinking til we're pirates.
my mom just said "if you had sex with someone you don't really like I'm going to be so mad at you" HOW DOES EVERYBODY KNOW
You told me you had two boobs that want to be naked for me. I'm just following up on your request.
I can't help but look at my sex life and acknowledge that this is not normal behavior.
Speaking of boners I learned how to say " jizz everywhere" in sign language
wanna see your best friend chug a bottle of steak sauce?
please go to sleep
Watching the awkward tinder date at the table next to mine is the most action I've had in months, so there's that.
I'm pretty sure I just won at life. I touched the bushy tail of a squirrel while he had his mouth full and was digging in a plant on campus. That is all.
I woke up upside down with my head in your ottoman and like a foot of space between the ottoman and chair.. My legs were straight up in the air... Yes. Your mother found me.
I haven’t been this excited since I found out they sold cases of Jack Daniels.
Randomize
