I was in the bathroom and heard my brother scream "YOU FAIL!!!", and I swear to GOD, I thought my penis was yelling at me.
You were screaming at a bartender last night for not referring to you as god.
and apparently I tried to pay for beer with a tampon.
there's got to be a less slutty way to tell him the baby isn't his
today is my dealer's birthday. i dont know whether to give him the day off or call him saying happy birthday ill take a quarter please
I'm making a contract of things you're not allowed to put in my ass
oh don't forget that when we go furniture shopping we have to find a matching bong so put more money in the furniture fund
Should I mail that cop his nightstick or just throw it away?
I have got to stop making out with redheads. I need to sign my life over to my dad like Britney Spears.
Remember when I got my car stuck in my backyard?
I sincerely hope you find your fuck buddy and have a wonderful night of champagne and whores
This is like the best thing that's ever happened to us. We're getting paid to sit around get high and eat. There is a Jesus
I have a magical vagina and I can't deny it anymore
no strings attached, like you could fuck him and then throw him off a building right after
Idk I'm drinking Sam Adams and wearing new balances so I'm basically a dad
I should not be able to sum up my life with a taco brand motto...
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