I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
you're bored at work aren't you?
I'm toying with the idea of beating off under my desk
The sex was so not worth the four dollars it cost to drive over the bridge
tonight, alcohol would be proud of us
I put the beer in my little red riding hood basket.
he told me he was watching a movie and he'd be over later and i asked how long. he said 8 inches give or take. you cease to amaze me with the guys you set me up with.
theres a turtle on the table. helping me eat my ramon noodles.
He caught a squirrel with his bare hands twice. Where do you find these people?
i think if i got caught drinking at work i could get away with it if i started crying and saying my cat just died. as long as i'm confident.
Why is your name on a gluestick in a plastic baggy stuck to my door?
I gave his parents a candle as a thanks for letting me hang out there all the time. Which i guess is more accurately a thanks-for-letting-me-fuck-your-son candle
I would seriously fuck her so hard, her contacts would pop out of her eyes.
Watching videos from last night and u go "I should be the president, I can get whatever I want w my tits"
New rule: I am no longer allowed to speak
Oh my god. That was the best half-hour of my life that didn't involve genitals.
A fair warning: I don't think a cop will let you off the hook just because your birthday is on New Year's Eve
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