Is it necrophilia if we're both dead?
I think I won the penis lottery.
Today might be the day that I legitimately throw up in my saxophone.
Ladystoner tip: if eyes are bloodshot, lime green eyeliner makes them appear less red. its basic artt.
nothing says 4th of july like teaching grandma how to work a keg
If I weren't her cousin I'd take advantage of her and this low point in her life.
That's the first time I've ever heard something that tickled both my gag reflex and my penis simultaneously.
I'm sorry. I just realized our 'big night out' ended up being you driving my high ass to get burritos and back.
By the way, do you realize that you asked me how much you could get for your eggs last night. And once you learned the price said that you had plenty to share.
I never actually go in the club. I get in line, hit on a chick, and convince her to come drink all she wants for free at my house.
She kept calling herself DJ McDonalds and said she wanted to make some Egg McMusic.
If you can't accept me drawing a Santa hat on your penis then we can't be friends
It's gotten to the point that I'm pretty sure I'm going to need to be legally drunk before I enter the voting booth this year.
Update: I just threw up in between cars in the parking lot of magic kingdom.
I had a dream that you were telling me how good you are at parkour and legit you were doing it just like Michael Scott...
Randomize
