bar tonight had a doorbell to get in and last night i saw my neighbors fuck on the balcony, she wore a nurse outfit. Missouri isn't so bad...
I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
Had sex on a washing machine in a pool of beer. Can you say success.
the intervention consisted of my aunt taking me to chuck-e-cheezs and telling me that this was my future - either as a mom or as a waitress - unless i stopped fucking around.
did she buy you pizza?
You slid down the bannister into a split. Lines were crossed.
You passed out in your dogs bed and you only willingly woke up because I told there was a bottle of vodka and a snickers bar waiting for you upstairs
Wall of shame with a backpack full of beer bottles, cowboy hat in hand, and a handlebar mustache. I was applauded by a passing car
EW HE LOOKS LIKE SOMEONE'S DAD
Wow. Ok who would waste Game 7 ticket on kids?!
Poor parenting at its best
Tell me why i'm looking through my medical records and the last thing it said about my labor was 'vagina was explored'!?
Btw I definitely had pizza sauce on my face, a painful hickey on my neck, and I just remember screaming SISTER WIVES because of the girl's 1997 jean skirt! Wow.
Alone, in the dark, eating tacos and drinking vodka. Who's apartment is this?
the people in front of me have a grocery cart in their car... i missed college...
You took your shirt off at the bar, handed it to a girl, and made her wash your dirty shirt on your washboard abs
tuesdays get the best of me...
RICK FUCKING MORANIS!!!!!
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