I just had one of those nervous system things in my thumb...I'm pretty sure I have cancer.
I think my vagina is going to steal my keys and drive over there.
Hopefully she would park on my face.
It's great when the cashier at the liquor store asks "weren't you wearing those clothes yesterday"
Who invented hangovers? And why did I make out with him and eat an entire can of chilli mixed with hot fries while screaming "YOU ONLY GRADUATE ONCE" last night?
for the record, you never really realize how drunk you still are until you get on rollerskates...
DR UNK TOWN USA
TEAM USA GO AMERICA
dude...i punched my best friend in the face, broke up with my girlfriend, and shit my pants.......now i don't know which one to take care of first.
I woke up with chocolate melted between my tits. I'd say that's a win for all parties involved.
She drunkenly dropped her ranch for her pizza. She tried to clean it up with her hands off the street then realized it didn't work and started licking her fingers.
You know your horny when you have a sex dream about Ace Ventura, if your wondering he's awful
When she saw "buy condoms" on my to do list she figured out pretty quick we were breaking up.
I feel like I might be the only person I know who eats bundles of radishes in-between orgasms from their vibrator.
I was on tinder the whole time I was waiting for my pregnancy test results at the doctors.
You were trying to be sexy by spraying your contact solution on your chest and telling me to lick it off
I used my mad pharmacist skills to turn ordinary birth control into morning after. I think my professors would be proud.
Randomize