I swear to god Optimus Prime and Megatron are fighting in my head right now.
Some bum walked up and watched me getting head last night for like 5 mins before I noticed him
I have diapers under my sink. trying to convince myself to use them.
She threw up in my garbage can last night and walked home with it this morning so she could clean it out...
She is dropping it off on the way to the bar at 7.
Homecoming wouldn't be the same without all the drunk old people puking on the street.
I stole so many things from the ER last night.
Free tacos and bad night are never used in the same sentence
I fucking hate you. Some slutty looking drunk chick backed her ass up across the bar and started grinding on you. You ignored her because you didn't want to share you drink
I care about my drink far more than her feelings
is one penis in the hand worth one better nicer penis in the manscaped bush?
I hate how much more visible my vomit is on snow, I need a winter vomit bush
All I'm sayin is that I don't want to raise anything. Or deal with anything. Or having anything come out of my vagina. I mean, I don't think that's asking too much.
I just moonwalked my socks off. THAT LAZY. THAT HIGH.
I knew my sister shouldn't have gone to the bacherlotte party. Two of the other brides maids have black eyes and my fiancé called me and asked if this is the crazy she's marrying
I have 35 pounds of pennies. Need any?
I have seen you puke and 5 mins later rock my world. So there is hotness there that average people will never see..
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