youll never guess who i didnt fuck at that party
It's either jizz or frosting, and either way, someone's being held accountable.
Did I ever tell u about how my buddy fucked peter coors's daughter and made a tshirt that said I TAPPED THE ROCKIES with her picture on it?
In hindsight, buying 4 different kinds of vibrators at once may have been a little overenthusiastic of me.
I don't remember what happened but judging from the contents of my pockets it had something to do with potatoes and glo in the dark condoms
Amazing how you can get from "Merry Christmas" to sex in three texts.
I could have done it in 2
You ass. You're not the one who bought me flowers, so obviously you will not be the recipient of the blow job of gratitude.
You rang?
Saw a ginger and the first thing I thought of doing was yelling "you have no soul!" so I called you so we can yell it together with you on speakerphone.
Guys with values who care about your personality don't cum on your back the 2nd time they you sleep with you.
Hey! Where are you? It's Irrisponsible Patio time and you're not here firing shots down summer student's throats
Enroute to my place eta 6 mikes...estimated time until intoxicated? 45 mikes. Commence the timer.
I'd say "I think I gave my TA chlamydia" is an accurate way to sum up my life.
Thank fucking Christ I was not wearing pants or eating chocolate cake last night.
He has no idea he’s my boyfriend.
Accidentally drunk dialed my mom last night. Started the conversation with "Where you at girl?"
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