I skipped work to stalk him.
She described it as "a squirrel being hit by a hurricane"
i now understand why he chose to have sex with my friend rather then me after lookin in the mirror this morning. and id do the same thing.
I jsut got pulled over and passed the sobritaty test.
Good thing spelling doesn't count.
threw up during christmas carols. the audience at the church seemed to immediately know i was a college student
Why am I in a dog kennel?
It was for your own safety
Blood drive hookups: you will probably faint during the sex, but at least you know neither of you has AIDS
You disinfected one of his friends, buttered the jeans of the other one. And you poured every liquid you could reach on the floor, including cooking oil and green tea. It wasnt a great first impression
We should reintroduce naked Mondays
I knew my sign language would come in handy. I just used sign to coordinate a coke deal.
COOKIE DOUGH CUPCAKES ARE A THING
Did you really just send me a blank text in response to news as awesome as that?
you ran up to the police and said "fuck the police shit we living in hell ". Then you dropped your Margarita and said "Darby Out" lol
I didn't have cash to pay cover at the bar, so I traded the bouncer a Krispy Kreme doughnut i had in my purse
not that i'm not about exploiting men for money
Shes yelled my World of Warcraft name when we were having sex, I think marriage is next.
Randomize
