Forgive me I'm always horny when I wake up
My wife caught me jerking off, I had to tell her I was thinking bout her
I had a dream that I had 21 friend requests. it was the best day
Booyah. Found 8000 pesos in my closet and that's apparently 608 US dollars
There's nothing like vomiting in the restroom at work to remind you that you're not in college anymore.
All I know is he mentioned whips, leather cuffs, and a riding crop. It's like Halloween, Christmas, and My birthday all in one. a 5 year old couldn't even possibly be this excited.
He sent me a picture of myself smashed completely butt naked passed out on the couch and said "at least I'll have these memories"
Then again, I'm single and napping with a stuffed yoda doll...so I'm not the world's authority on shit.
The cougar has a calendar on her wall of when she can give topless handjobs again. I pity her husband.
I'm wearing green eyeshadow so even if I end up totally naked I still won't get pinched.
He even wore it to bed. What the hell. He's too excited about that goddamn costume.
When I die I just want my headstone to my name, date of birth-death, and TEQUILA!!
Woke up in a sombrero and a males speedo. Tequila makes normal peoples clothes fall off, however it makes me fall into a questionable identity crisis
Yeah i like want to be friends with him. And if we have sex in the physics library well thats fine with me
You told me that you would let her eat cake off of your ass, then fell asleep on the floor
Randomize
