i woke up with socks on this morning
so?
i didnt wear socks last night
70 feet underwater and I sharted my wetsuit, Tide pen won't clean this up.
Cop gave me a ticket for public drunkedness, and then I convinced him to drive me back to the party
i need to break up with him. i realized this while i was making a mental grocery list while we were having sex. this is not the first time i've done that.
The sales associate looked at me funny for wobbling in the heels i was trying on until i told her i was trying to see how well i'd be able to drunk walk in these tonight
she's living proof man. somebody has literally pissed in the gene pool
The vagina on Hilton Head is mighty fine this time of year.
The assistant vp has a bottle of wine on his desk & I have a feeling my boobs will be making an appearance today.
That awkward moment when the guy you hooked up on spring break invites you over for dinner to meet his parents and you say yes because the first rule of college is never turn down a free meal.
THE SHIT YOU GET YOURSELF INTO
So, my love of dick may have landed me in a cult. On the bright side, I now have a discount at Spencer's.
If there's anything my liberal arts education has taught me, it's belligerence.
So on a scale of 1-10 how mad would you be if I sent you a picture from the inside of a strip club
I’m turning 34 on Friday and I feel like the only thing I’ve accomplished in life so far is getting into pissing matches with clients
I just don't understand what you plan on accomplishing there except for losing all vestiges of post-freshman year dignity
When the paramedic asked Logan how he fell he explained that he was trying to lick his eyeball, missed and tripped over his own tongue.
Randomize
