Theyre still fighting about whether its called america or the united states.
There's a Cowboys game and a Rangers game on at the same time...talk about Sophie's choice
Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
I've drank myself into a smaller pants size. Who ever said alcoholism was unhealthy was mistaken.
i just ate a whole pizza and threw it back up in the time span of 13 minutes. give me the number to guiness book of world records.
Bro, she used the potato bongs to make French fries after. She's deff a keeper.
He had "Bad Bitches Only" tattooed above his dick. I don't know his name but I hope I find him again. I also don't feel that I lived up to the challenge.
New guy at the liquor store was inexplicably fascinated by our huge jug of williams. First he said what are you gonna mix THAT with? and looked confused when I said air.
I'm only wearing socks and eating tuna, don't do this to me right now.
Halfway through missionary I realized I was partially laying on his sleeping dog and idk that just kinda ruined it for me sooo
I think getting right with the Lord should involve more than me and a bottle of tequila.
For some reason she gave me a handjob. It was all very confusing
We fucked. Had a political debate. I won. So I sat on his face.
i'll...probably just offer you drugs?
i'll...probably take them in all honesty
Can I borrow a thong? I’m having drinks with a cute boy tonight and I’m out of clean underwear
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