I called you to phone bone last night, but you were out with your boring friends playing video games
I think I'm going to go home and read The Bible.
the last 2 times weve had drunk sex ive had to get the morning after pill.. he's turning into a real expensive fuck buddy.
i checked my sent messages this morning and i had apparently tried to text the bar, saying "idk what i drank, do you?"
The coffee and champagne are fighting over who gets to absorb the one pancake in my stomach
you literally pushed me forward in the seat so you could puke behind my back without the cabbie noticing..
he said we should drink responsibly and we all just kinda sat there laughing at him
Dudes don't just lick butts of chicks they're not into.
DO NOT SLAP ANYONE WITH ANY VEGAN MEAT PATTIES
Binging muscle relaxers because when ur 33 you can no longer SHAKE IT LIKE A POLAROID PICTURE for 2hrs w/o consequences. Fuck you, Age.
He's gonna do me a solid for doing her a solid. It's like pay it foward. But with sex.
Is it possible for mice to climb? If so I think mice are climbing into my bed in the night and playing with my hair..
His wife just cheated on him for the third time. I'm his first extra-marital fling, that makes it ok, right? You know to keep karma balanced in the universe
Your logic is flawless...
if having to see my ex’s dick once in a while is the price I pay to the universe for making my life go a little smoother, I’ll take it
She's got a shotglass necklace, running down the street asking people to "fill her up". Get here.
Randomize
