? is bags or t-bags slang for scrotum?
jesus mom
It took me 40.8 seconds to take a dump at her house, I know because I timed myself.
I want to frame my negative pregnancy test.
we got cut off at 8 am. He spilled his drink three times on the plane. this should be one hell of a vegas trip
I'm sure me singing - rather loudly - "fuck me in the back seat" last night didn't help either.
Strike three, the fat brides maid they call shit puker also has herpes.
My mom is lecturing me about 'invaluable housekeeping skills' while I google 'cocktails involving gin' on my phone. I can feel the generational gap looming in her silent judgment of my choices.
Hey its me your friend who impressed the pharmacist by already knowing the generic version of plan b by name
I'm naked, I'm drunk, and I'm all up on social media right now
So I missed the eclipse because I was masturbating.
She said she hasn't cheated on me in 7 and a half days and she'd like praise for that.
Memeber that time you got detained in Poland. We don’t talk about that enough
You threw a beachball full of vodka at me and yelled I CHOOSE YOU then ran
home. only unpacked the necessities...contact case and beer.
I can’t tonight. I’ve got to see about a penis
Randomize
