Dude go to the top of pikes peak right now to catch Kevin Bacon's band performing
The bacon? Yeah right. What if there's Tremors?
Him and Burt have already taken care of that. It's a once in a lifetime chance to catch the Bacon brothers live in concert. I sort of have a boner
Fuck appropriateness.
we'll hang out once this whole, "your friends are robbers and drug addicts" thing blows over with my parents.
and then he said that the only reasonable explanation as to why I got swine flu was because all I ever do is join the bandwagon
You don't understand how difficult it is to give head with cotton mouth
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
We still need to grow old, buy a house, and drink 40's while wearing old people sunglasses, staring at the young studs mowing our lawn.
His 21st birthday is in the middle of shark week, it's meant to be.
You know being hammered seven days in a row can do serious damage to your liver.
Text me on Monday and make sure I'm still alive
We couldve played the bring a random boy to lunch game but i made him go home
His penis contains the glue that keeps this relationship together.
No. Not going out tonight. No. It's Tuesday. Xanax and Full House Tuesday.
She showed up after 3 hours and proceded to make us all feel like resonable human beings. I dont know how she did it but she did it.
No. Way more drunk than the night I put a snowball in my purse "for later" and woke up to find everything soaking the next day.
But less drunk than the day that Pete took four of your birth control pills thinking they were Advil, right?
I thought you died. Don't forget it's burger night.
I've pulled 4 ticks off of me. This is the last time I suck dick in the wild.
Randomize
