I'm walking behind a man wearing a womans shirt, heels, mens pants and a baseball hat
We were having sex on the balcony and this guy walked by, so drunkily i said "dont move, he cant see us if we dont move."
He wanted a handjob during a John Wayne movie. I just couldn't find it in my heart to disrespect that man. John Wayne that is.
He sang nursery rhymes to my vagina to get me to have sex with him..
Remember middle school health class where we used to say that when we lost our vcards we would be on the pill, using a condom, and have had our partners tested first? We were so optimistic.
Listen man this isn't about soccer. It's about America and day drinking... Your two favorite things now get your ass over here
We interrupt your regularly scheduled Saturday morning programming with this important announcement: you are not the father. I repeat not the father. Congratulations and have a nice day.
I may have just made our entire microwave glow green. Like big green. Like spark and make me shit green.
Like worse than the time I blew up the microwave with the egg green.
Plus he stuck it in when you were sleeping which would have been the tipping point for me but you art school kids are all liberal and shit
Yeah, reverse cow girl. She was on top and I was playing Flappy Bird behind her back. Easiest way to have angry sex.
This strip club is mediocre. Talent is fine. Fung shui is bad.
On a scale from 1 to banned, how offensive do you think it would be to wish my vibrator happy Valentine's Day on various social media outlets?
They're the one who can profit the most when given the opportunity for blackmail.
At least that's how I've always seen it whenever I've been the Designated Driver.
That simultaneously explains everything and makes me very very terrified of you.
guess who smoked weed with their grandpa tonight. and no it wasn't me.
I woke up in a warehouse with the words “Property of Adam” written on my chest in frosting.
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