two pink lines on a pregnancy test is bad, isn't it?
only if you didn't want to fuck up your life.
All she gave me for breakfast was raw toast. How can she expect me to eat raw toast?
You mean bread?
She's like the little sister I never had ... except for the fact we're having sex.
She was stumbling around looking for her cat. She said i could help, but i had to call him by his jungle name
Kate gave me a 3 day old cup of tequila last night and forced me to chug it. P.s. i drew u a picture
You know why nobody comes up with Sober October? Other than it's Oktoberfest? Because Sober October doesn't benefit anyone, just like your judgment isn't benefiting me. I'll talk to you in November. Unless you make up another alcoholless month.
Last night we looked at each other with an expression of "fuck I am so done being normal", took off our shirts, and danced around in our bras
holy shit thats the most artistic dick pic ever
I NEED YOU HERE TO KNOCK THE MALT BEVERAGES OUT OF MY MOUTH
You cant use biscuit as a chaser
My car insurance payment showed up today, so no inflatable hot tub for now. Sorry to disappoint.
Remember when I convinced you to watch me eat my sandwich just so you could reuse my plate and save us money on our water bill? I'm so ecofriendly when I'm high
Tell him that his phone is taped to the dog's stomach. Stop trying to call it because it makes him scared.
Hi darlin, what are you doing tonight?
.... Things I will not be proud of
that's the second time my extensive knowledge of taylor swift has gotten me laid
Randomize
