No matter how drunk I am, I will take the time to wipe a pube off the toilet seat.
my room smells like sperm. sweet.
The highlight of my Saturday night was singing along to the sound of music alone in my room.
Then my mouth guard fell out of the hole, so that's how the dog poop got in my mouth.
Congrats to the girl that left her positive preggo test in the bathroom...
Just think, this time last Cinco de Mayo you were holding me up and finding me passed out in the yard of that house.
I woke up on your bathroom floor, i used your towel I found laying on the floor as a cape to get to your bed. I thought it would help me walk straight if I looked like a superhero
The cop told us he we helped him pass his monthly bong quota. He almost ran out of room on the hood of his car..
AFTER I licked the bald guys head they told me we weren't playing
He said bring my breathalyzer and Anna's pepper spray, I didn't ask questions
He just asked me to be his girlfriend while having sex on his parents kitchen counter
WE HAVE WINE WHERE ARE YOU GUYS WE ARE BY THE GIANT EAGLE
If walking through the neighborhood with a bottle of tequila and margarita mix is postgrad life, I'm okay with it
I woke up, topless, my car was parked funny so I threw on my hoodieto go fix it and found a jello shot in my pocket. where did I go last night?!
What happened last night? I just woke up and there's like 15 mcflurry cups on the floor
You don't remember stealing them?
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