When you only buy popcorn and condoms at the grocery store they know whats up.
the Monday before Thanksgiving is not a Monday at all. Just Thursday in Monday suit.
I need a horse. I don't think you can get a DUI on a living creature.
There will be two dogs there to provide supervision. Not to worry.
Only once have I found myself in the condom aisle holding a bundt cake...
I mean I love some drunk compliments, but he just wasn't up to my low standards.
Also I found and fixed my beer gun.
Nursing home in NJ just got busted for prostitution and drugs...dropping off my deposit tomorrow
Sex on acid. Try it. I thought we were fucking in outer space with fireworks inside a rocketship car. Best.
I, soberly, gave myself a concussion trying to take a pic of my vagina. Fuck you and your hangover.
I'm sorry but the visual image of you suffocating on vagina is basically hysterical
These are the last few fleeting sober moments of the day for me. If there is anything you need me to do today, please tell me now
I'm alone, 3 beers in, and cutting tshirts into belly tops.
Well hell, he's gotta sleep in the bed he's made. Multiple times. For multiple girls I'm sure.
If you really hate him do what I do: give him an amazing night of unforgettable sex then dump him. You’ll ruin sex for him because new girls won’t compare
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