four days late. damn you, makeup sex. you win again.
My mom is getting really tired of hearing the excuse 'it's 5 oclock somewhere'
bouncer thought i was tryin to get the license plate numbers of strippers to stalk them. I had to go show him where I threw up to get back in.
Just found out my mom tried to sue the birth control company when she got pregnant with me...love you too mom.
Yes, that was me on the jumbo tron. No, i don't know why i was hiding.
Hurry up and get here. I already announced to the bar that you were on a mission to get laid tonight. I have 3 takers.
I think he offered to cook me dinner or cook me for dinner. Not really sure. Just smiled and nodded.
Some guy wearing a horse mask just knocked on my door and started whinnying. I opened the door and he was like, "...oh sorry, wrong room..." so awk.
My arrest report says I was found in midtown "performing lewd and lascivious acts on top of art meant for public display and enjoyment".
Depending on which video of him streaking you watch, you can see me passed out in the front row.
Ummm so I'm at the hospital and just heard some guy get tazed......twice.
with hottub sex, handcuffs, Pocahontas themed lap dances, and eating pumpkin pie off each other, I'm gonna say thanksgiving will be a success ;)
I just shaved my "bikini area" into a fucking pizza slice
earned some solid air miles from the plan B I just bought. #silverlinings
Just let me pee on you and I'll leave you alone.
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