he wasnt into me til he saw how good i was at ms pacman. wtf why does this always happen? when she kisses pacman it was a little awkward, so i made my move. i went for more than one kind of banana last night!
atleast your grandma didn't give you her USED dildo just so you wouldn't have sex.
Would you want me to push you down the stairs OR throw you a baby shower?? Real talk
my dealer just handed me my weed in a pink easter egg
What baked good do you think says thanks for being a great tutor, lets bang?
No, she passed out instead. I have the worst luck, its like Jesus is mad at me for having the same birthday as him
I drunken agreed to go wedding dress shopping with a stranger at the bar yesterday. She sent me an email asking what days I am free.
Hey please buy toilet paper today. Plastic grocery bags are starting to hurt now
Well it was tamer than the 4th of july when I blew that guy I met walking home from the fireworks
You are. Embrace it. But you are the right kind of asshole.
ok. i'm ready for you to come back and test the structural integrity of this futon.
I vote for a trading skills night. You teach me to juggle, I'll teach you knife fighting, and we'll both learn banjo
But for real though. That weed tastes like the jolly laughter of Santa Claus.
You know how I know last night was a good night? Because I remember high fiving a couple WHILE they were having sex.
He struggled for a second trying to unhook my bra and I said "4/10. Novice."
Randomize
