I just had to have my mom look at my penis to figure out what it was. How do you think my day is going?
I'm drinking red wine & feeding anchovies to the dog. I'm really not picky about what kinda of company I'm in.
Hey do you know who I showed my dick to at the bar last night?
I can't believe he let me cut his hair as stoned as I was.. I think I even cut my own hair too
You need to stop thinking about the needs of your vagina and concentrate on the greater good
Whiskey chased with ice cubes? Here's a big FUCK THAT to that
sooo trippy being back in town after 5 years. if you had asked me in high school who would be future coke heads, i would have been way off
It is a fiery spray of napalm-covered beautiful words that leave a flaming "fuck you" on the ground after I destroy him.
Serious concern: will TSA confiscate my bondage rope?
I think you handled your pregnancy scares better than that cricket in your bathroom
I tried to take a cute nude but sneezed halfway through. I sent it anyway
I can't wait to shower all this regret off of me
I wonder how drunk we can get before Christmas Caroling turns into trespassing.
I'm still not sure how to feel about the fact that we had a threesome with a guy the same age as my dad
Awake! can you bring me my pants...im under the couch
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