That cute girl I hooked up with last night clawed my back to hell and gave me a hickey. I look like a white trash warewolf victim
Last night I fell down in the street (I think in someone's vomit), cut my knee up, lost my moms necklace and my license, and had to walk back to the hotel.
There is a banner on a house by campus that says "welcome to college dads. Thanks for dropping off your daughters!"
Sorry really high. We have no lighter so we're lighting the bowl with rolled up paper towels lit by candle which also lit with a rolled up paper towel that we lit with the stove eye
He started crying and showing me pictures of his ex. she was really pretty. It's an honor to have shared a penis with her.
New drinking game. Every time Romney and Santorum switch leads, take a shot.
....this is what your political science major is getting you?
I found a phone book at the party and started calling everyone with my last name asking if they wanted to form a club. I'm meeting one for brunch tomorrow...
We mailed him an 18 inch double headed dildo for his birthday. The Fedex guys certainly got a laugh out of it.
Don't you judge us. Sockets make ideal bowls
Reached a new low last night. Passed out. With my pants down. On the toilet. At ihop. Waitress had to wake me up.
I am thankful for thumbs.
Because without thumbs, we would be dolphins.
Land dolphins.
This electrician is just ripping my house apart and I'm too hungover to ask questions
I also just stashed a half dozen bobby pins in my bra.... So when you take it off later, consider yourself warned
remember that party we went to sophomore year where we found that girl and had the orgy? Im totally at that house right now.
If you need me I'll be in the hospital involving super glue and fake eyelashes.
Randomize
