Going to bed naked. Too bad I am all alone. Need to make some changes. Either sleep with clothes or with you
you're like the ceasar milan of boners... you understand them on a different level.
come pick me up. please. i just puked in my lap. bring pants.
I was on my way at Dorito Smoothie
I just found my coat check number in my underwear.
Just took a shot out of a used mini planter. Might die from the pesticides, but didnt want whoever took all of my shotglasses to think they won.
When the doctor said the anal leakage might not be reversible without some lifestyle changes you start asking if it's worth the entertainment value.
"Wait, who's gun did I have?" Moments when you re-examine your life choices.
The word cocktail makes me want to rip my liver out and nail it to a cross.
I just stabbed open a can of Spaghetti Os with a spork. Who says I cant take care of myself?
We hit a deer while we were singing an acapella version of "I will always love you"
there was 'chicken suit porn' in my search history.......also 'scuba diving porn'
So now I'm lying here in bed taking notes from Teen Mom... I fucked up
What is it with the dog running away when we have epic hangovers
HE IS. YOU SHOULD TOUCH HIS BACK.
IT IS A COURTSHIP RITUAL.
THE MUTUAL BUTT TOUCH IS SACRED.
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