Its ok relax. i can tell ur gonna start raggin. talk 2 u next week
can't believe I ate straight coffee grounds to stay awake for that
My farts smell like St. Pauli Girl. Last night was too much for a Monday.
she works at a police station now. i think thats the definition of keeping your enemies closer.
There's nothing like puking in the airport on the way TO Vegas. Something tells me i pregamed a little too hard.
I voted for him because his wife supports his raging sex life.
you called me in the middle of the night, wandering the streets, in search of "the ultimate burrito"
That's why I don't chug things. Because when I was a freshman in college tequila came out my nose.
She keeps asking if I've seen him... For the last time YES... IN MY BED LAST FRIDAY NIGHT AND THEN AGAIN SATURDAY MORNING
I definitely think in addition to buying paint ball guns this summer we should invest in a breathalyzer. That way every drunk night turns into a competition, who can blow over the legal limit more. The loser gets shot while hungover. Shit goes hand in hand if you ask me.
think I signed up for a 5k last night while blackout.
Fuck you asshole. You cost me cheerleader pussy.
I`m watching Shallow Hal & Jack Black has better nipples than Jimmy's chick.
I just wanted to check in on you and you replied with a selfie with your Coney Island waiter and the caption "after his shift we're dropping acid together"
I think I should've done my makeup before I took the acid. Because now I just feel silly looking at myself in the mirror
Randomize
