Sometimes I wonder if we could be friends if we lived closer.
the family i'm sitting with looks like the Addams family. Except for the daughter...she looks like Shrek
I should have some sort of frequent buyer card or something. I just bought my third bottle of Captain this week. It's Wednesday.
Can you check your dirty laundry bag for my tooth.
I'm sober enough to realize she looks like a man, but drunk enough to do it anyways
handjobs have no place on a baseball diamond
Your expertise in crazy bitches is needed.
The last bar we left there was a sausage stand right outside and I apparently felt bad those guys were working that late, so I bought a $9 sausage, gave it to some drunk kid and said "I support local businesses!!" I'd say I've done my civic duty.
He is really real. Like I know where he works, have referenced him with mutual fb friends and I've seen his dick. He's real.
Great. Now I have to produce, edit and leak a sex tape before Saturday. Fundraising is hard.
Standing here wondering if its a good idea to cook pork chops in the toaster or not.
I did it again.
I drunk texted John McCain.
He's gonna fuck me, then his girlfriend is going to come over and fuck me in front of him. And they're smoking me out. Happy birthday to ME
He was wearing a diaper to the party. I've never felt like such a creep in my life.
It started off with wine and ended up with me in only my pearls and heels. It was about the classiest sexual experience I've ever had.
Randomize
