Sry I called you an 8
she's sitting on the other side of the room at this party. with her smirnoff tucked in that little opening between her cleavage and shirt. drinking from a straw. snapping her fingers off beat.
it's love
I came out of bedroom with my jeans on backwards, zipped AND buttoned. I have inconceivable talents whilst intoxicated.
It's not mothers day until you're vomitting syrup into grandma's toilet. Cherish the holidays
the lighter is IN the bong. I don't know what to do
We started a mustache riot at white castle at 4 in the morning. Will explain in detail.
Hate the very realistic pregnancy dreams. Like my dream when I birthed the pirate ships. SO REAL...
I went to grab his drink and my hand grazed his dick. It was magical.
I have migrated to the couch. Minimal movement is still happening, but I should be mobile enough to go to the liquor store by eight.......so that good.
I think that means you're growing up...when your coke nail becomes your opening mail nail.
He's drunk and I'm pain-killer high and we're about to watch fireworks at disney world. It's gonna be fucking magical
The house hit rave levels when La Bamba came on which confuses me because I live in white suburban Canada
PARA BAILAR LA BAMBA ASSHOLES
I just got high and swiffered the bathroom floor....2 for 2 on brilliant life ideas
I force fed him french fries and then proceeded to tell him how sexy corgi’s are … it’s safe to say he’s not texting me for a second date.
OF COURSE I FUCKED HIM! Did you not read the part about him having red and green Christmas condoms?
Randomize
